It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy
intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman
rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man
emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right
honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and
prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped
him on the shoulder and said,
"When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
The little camel asks his mother:
Mum why do we have these big humps?
Because in these hump there is some water and in the hot desert we can
drink.
And mum. Why do we have this large fur?
Because the dessert at night is so cold and then we don't feel cold.
And mum. Why do we got these big hoofs.
Because the desert the sand is hot and the hoofs save us from the hot
sand.
But mum. What the fuck are we doing here in the national zoo?
A man came walking up to his grandparent's house when he noticed his
grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, with nothing on
from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off
in
the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the
waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out
here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's
idea."
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming
pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool!" yells the lifeguard.
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the
driver, "Why don't you let me drive for ones."
The driver thinks to him self, "Well I can't say no to this guy, he's
the pope." So the driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was
having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while
the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, "slow down a bit, you
might get pulled over."
The Pope says, "ahhh, don't worry about it, I'm the Pope." So he
rolls
up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments he
gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls down the
tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, "oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can
you hold on a minute."
The Pope says, "sure"
The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says,
"guys I just pulled over some one really important."
They ask who, "The President?."
"No more important."
"The president of another country."
"No more important."
"An ambassador."
"No even more important."
"Well who is it."
"I don't know, but the Pope is the chauffeur."
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain..."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you
cool your
heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say...,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky
for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good
mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the
UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new
students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two
hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very
strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in
exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.
1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the
professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor said,
as
he handed the student a booklet. " Yes I will," replied the student.
He
then took a seat and began writing.
After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students
filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued
writing.
1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was
sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put
his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student
looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?" "No, as
a matter
of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his
voice.
"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again. "No, and I
don't care,"
replied the professor
with an air of superiority. "Good," replied the student, who quickly
lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran
out of the room.
In a train carriage there were 4 people, an Englishman, a Frenchman, a
spectacular looking blonde and a really ugly woman.
After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark
tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the
tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and
by
mistake, he must have put his hand on the ugly woman, who in turn must have
slapped his face"
The ugly woman thought - "That dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the
blonde
and she smacked him".
The Frenchman thought - "That f*****g Englishman put his hand on that
blonde
and by mistake she slapped me".
The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can
smack
that French twat again".
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says,
"Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says,
"It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's
putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and
says,
"Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant -
about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says,
"Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man!
Have you, Debbie?"
Debbie says,
"No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five
minutes pass and finally the mother says,
"Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies,
"No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this
happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the
hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it!"
Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual
contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions.
If they got them correct, they're deemed cured and free to go.
Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood
that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor
said,
"Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"
Jon said, "I'd be half blind."
"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"
"I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Jon's hand,
and
told him he was free.
On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned
the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked
and gave him the answers.
So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked,
"What would happen if I cut off one ear?"
Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said,
"I'd be half blind."
The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on.
"What if I cut off the other ear?"
"I'd be completely blind," Amanpreet answered.
"Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?"
"My hat would fall down over my eyes."
A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the following
exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: This car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's
card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes, sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the
woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to
handle the tense situation.
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
The driver's license was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a
gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's
a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you
told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the
glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding,
too!
One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his
car horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, daddy."
He replied, "How'd you know?"
The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' afterwards!"
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by
the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,
"Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right
back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up
and says,
"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this
time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,
"Man, have you found Jesus yet?"
Gasping for air the drunk answer the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he drowned."
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a
woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms
that she did not want to hear their message, and slammed the door in
their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced
back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the
door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door,
she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when
one of them said,
"Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."
A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the
stage.
He whispers to the usher,
"This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a
better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a
quarter. Yep. 25 cents.
The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers,
"The wife did it."
(You need to know how "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" works . . . )
A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very
frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood.
His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache."
The man replied, "Is that your final answer"?
She said, "Yes."
He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."
The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West
Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce
in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she
had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of
them.
The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked
for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the
mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put
a
dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to
me or the machine?"
This bloke is an avid golfer, actually he is a golf fanatic. He has an early
booking
every Saturday morning and plays all day. One Saturday morning, he gets
up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs and goes out to his car to
drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour, there is snow
mixed with the rain and an 80km/h wind is blowing. He comes back
into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel and finds the bad
weather is set for the day. So he puts his clubs away, quietly undresses
and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and
says,"The weather out there is terrible." To which she replies, "Can
you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2 inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things -- your family, your partner, your health, and your children -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then...
A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed
was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled
the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
Which proves: that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for a beer.
Another possible conclusion: Which proves: your life will not be completely full without a beer.
Strange, but true: Catholic Priest Fr.
William (Bill) Richard used this joke in his homily
on August 5, 2001.
Stranger yet: in Christmas time 2001 I went to a concert in a church in Poschiavo,
southern Switzerland.
Before the concert started, the (evangelic) reverend gave a brief speech and told
the above story, including the moral, but leaving away the "beer" ending.
I was quite dissapointed and realised, that not all priests have
the same sense of humour...
| <=Zur Übersicht: Witze | |
| <=Zur Übersicht: Humor und Rätsel | Thomas Lüthi, luthi@my-mail.ch |
| <=Zur Homepage: www.tiptom.ch | http://www.tiptom.ch/humor/ |